Jased and Confused
by Alison-beads-of-fiction
Summary: A bit of humour to cheer up Our Lass Alison! This is from the Sookie, Interrupted Universe - Pam and Jason have a booty call.


**A/N: A bit of humour to cheer up Our Lass Alison! Hope you back doing wheelies and terrorising Twitter soon Chica! This is from the Sookie, Interrupted Universe but you don't need to have read the story to get the joke, all you need to know is that Jason and Pam had a booty call. Also this is written in the 3rd person for a change. Janofarc x**

Jased and Confused

Jason walked back and forth in front of the table that held his phone, he _really _needed to talk to someone but the only person he knew that was in the same kind of situation was his sister – Sookie. If there was a list of things that Sookie _didn't _need to know about Jason, his sex life would be near the top, if not 1st.

_Maybe I could go to Fangtasia? _He thought _Nah. I'd probably bump into Pam, or she'd smell me. Besides what am I gonna do? Find a random guy and ask him if ... __**it**__... has ever happened to him?_

He picked up the phone and dialled, wondering if Sookie was even up at this hour. Her tone and sleep-gravelled voice told him 'no'.

"What do you need Jase?"

"Uh ... I've got an ... issue. A vampire issue and I don't know who else to talk to."

"What have you done now?"

"I haven't done anything! And I'm indicted that you would think so!"

"Indignant Jason, the word you're looking for is indignant. Okay what's this vampire problem?"

Sookie stretched out on the New Orleans hotel bed next to Eric, hoping that Jason would be quick and to the point. It was 11am – three hours before she was usually up and around and these days she needed all the sleep she could get.

"Well, me and Pam, we've seen each other a few times now but last night she did something that ... I wasn't really comfortable with."

"Like?"

"She bit me."

"Pam is a vampire Jason, if you thought you wouldn't get bitten when you had sex with a vampire ... well I don't know ... but it would make you pretty dumb!"

As usual Sookie didn't have the heart to actually come out and say her brother had the intellectual capabilities of an amoeba and back in Bon Temps, Jason was wondering if maybe the problem was that he was pretty dumb.

"I know about the biting, Pam's bitten me before but on the neck ... last night was different."

"Didn't she heal them? Or maybe she fed from your thigh?"

"Oh she healed them and no, it wasn't my thigh ... she ... Pam bit my ... y'know."

"I might be telepathic Jason but I can't read your mind over the phone."

"She was ... down there ... and said she wanted to introduce me to something new, so she started giving me a blow job. Then when I was about to ... _cough_... she bit me, when little Jase was in her mouth!"

"Is there absolutely no-one else you can talk to about this?"

"Dammit Sook no!"

Jason was regretting this call more and more, at that moment he swore that he'd save sharing his problems with people he knew and write to that Abby chick that Pam always went on about. Waiting a week or so for an answer would be better than the discomfort he, and more than likely Sookie, was going through right now.

"Did you enjoy it?"

"What?"

"Pam biting you ... down there. Did you enjoy it?"

"Uh ..." Jason muttered something incomprehensible into the mouthpiece.

"What was that?"

"Yeah."

"So Pam bit little Jason and you enjoyed it."

"Yeah" Jason's voice was barely a whisper but Sookie just managed to hear him.

"I don't see the problem. It's very common to enjoy being bitten and fed from while taking part in a sexual act, in fact it's pretty much a 100% guarantee it'll blow your mind every time."

The tables had been turned, as much as Sookie didn't need to know about Jason's sex life – he _really_ didn't need to know about hers. It was bad enough being introduced to her boyfriend for the first time when he was half naked and Sookie was barely dressed.

"The problem is Sookie ... IT WAS MY DICK! She bit my dick Sook!"

"But you enjoyed it and there are no adverse side-effects ... unless there are adverse side effects ... are there?"

"How d'you mean?"

"Well ... does it still work?"

"Of course it still works! What kind of question is that?"

"A valid one! You had fun, nothing bad happened ... I don't really know about female vampires that much but I know Eric would never ..."

"Knowing your man likes to screw you in the dirt is bad enough; I don't need to know any more about you two."

Sookie huffed out a breath and pinched the bridge of her nose. _There should be a helpline for this kind of thing, or a handbook __**'First sexy time with a vamp?'**__ or something like that._

"Okay, I'll put it like this. If a vampire likes having sex with you, they won't do anything really bad to you, because then you won't really want to have sex with them anymore. Does that make sense?"

"Well, yeah it does but she bit MY DICK!"

"You just can't get past that can you?"

"How would you like it if your man bit your most sensitive places?"

Sookie flushed bright red at the memory of Eric's 'special kiss' that he'd shown her a couple of times, rubbing her thighs together she cleared her throat and tried to think of how she should answer Jason's question.

"Sookie? Are you there?"

"I ... yeah I'm still here."

"Well? I asked you ... oh geez! Come on Sookie, that's totally TGI!"

"Uh ... don't you mean TMI? Too much information?"

"Whatever! I don't need ..."

"You asked Jase! You asked me! Not my fault!"

"Okay, okay. You're right. I walked into it. Didn't it freak you out?"

"No but he told me what he was gonna do before he did it. If it freaks you out ask her not to do it again."

"Well ... I guess I could do that. It _did_ feel pretty good though, damn good, better than the wet/dry vacuum cleaner good."

"Uh ... EWWWWW!"

"Not that I know about ..."

"Enough! Look, I'm tired so I'll just say this: If you liked it maybe ask her to warn you the next time so you don't get such a shock."

"BUT IT WAS MY DICK SOOKIE!"

Realising she was getting nowhere, Sookie told her confused brother she had to go to the bathroom and hung up on him. Just before she cut off the call she could still hear him bemoaning the rough treatment of Little Jason. _If Jason and Pam having sex gives me these headaches thank the Lord they aren't dating._


End file.
